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Mammalian Pandemic Across Northeast A Cause For Concern

***Breaking News***

Unknown Pandemic Sweeps Across the West

An unidentified pandemic is mercilessly wreaking havoc across much of the western world. The source of the pandemic is yet to be confirmed. However, medical officials believe that it originated in large mammals hibernating in a cave in the northeastern United States. Symptoms of the pandemic are many and span a wide spectrum of medical conditions, including, but not limited to, the following:

  • headache
  • backache
  • muscle tension
  • gastrointestinal disturbances
  • rash
  • gingivitis
  • hemorrhoids
  • varicose veins
  • hypertension
  • changes in eating habits including overeating
  • fatigue
  • insomnia
  • nervousness
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • anger
  • intense mood swings
  • loss of / poor concentration
  • heightened confusion in mildly stressful situations
  • inability to complete tasks
  • suicidal thoughts
  • panic attacks
  • panic disorder

The U.S. Department of State has issued a surprising travel alert for foreign travelers from undeveloped countries visiting certain regions of the northeastern United States. Ordinarily, the U.S. State Department issues travel warnings “when long-term, protracted conditions that make a country dangerous or unstable lead the State Department to recommend that Americans avoid or consider the risk of travel to that country.” As such, the recent warning comes as a surprise to government officials in third world countries, who are accustomed to limited American travel in undeveloped countries.

Consequently, the United States is attempting to contain the epidemic, though it appears to have spread more rapidly than anticipated, with reports of symptoms and hospitalizations in Canada and across Europe and certain parts of Asia.

The contagion is airborne and waterborne, but can also be contracted via food and human contact. The public is requested to remain in their homes until medical officials have deemed it safe to resume regular routines. Until then, all government agencies will be in recess, and all private institutions will be in mandatory shutdown.

Further updates to follow.


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